If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
