i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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