I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
