My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
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There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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