So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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