Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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