I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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