he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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