Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
