Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
