I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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