ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
