i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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