Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
