oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
