just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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