Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
did i walk over a car last night?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
