The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
