I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
