So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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