The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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