my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
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I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
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He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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