Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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