i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
