Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I believe in your delicious
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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