sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
