cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I looked at my own cervix.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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