I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
