I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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