if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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