i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.