Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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