not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
