Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
