allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
