You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
