Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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