Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
