I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
