Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
