I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
