gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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