When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
