Whod you bang
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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