smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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