I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
