The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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