We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
