and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
