Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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