You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
