the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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