It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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