Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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