Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
