so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
