You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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