She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
