Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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